April 25th, 2006

Time: 09:28 am

Here from the king's mountain view Here from the wild dream come true Feast like a sultan I do On treasures and flesh, never few. But I, I would wish it all away If I thought I'd lose you just one day The devil in his handmedowns In love with the dark side I'd found Dabble in all the way down Up to my neck, soon to drown. But you changed that all for me. Lifted me up, turned me round. So I, I, I, I ... I would, I would, I would wish this all away. Prayed like a father dusk till dawn Beg like a hooker all night long Tempted the devil with my song And got what I wanted all along. But I, I would if I could, I would wish it away Wish it away, wish it all away, wanna wish it all away. So if I could I'd wish it all away If I thought tomorrow would take you away You're my peace of mind, my home, my center I'm just trying to hold on One more day Dim my eyes, dim my eyes Dim my eyes if they should compromise Our fulcrum what you need divides me then I might as well be gone Shine on forever Shine on benevolent son Shine down upon the broken Shine until the two become one Shine on forever Shine on benevolent son Shine on upon the severed Shine until the two become one Divide and I'm withering away Divide and I'm withering away Shine on upon the many, light our way Benevolent son Breathe in union Breathe in union Breathe in union Breathe in union Breathe in union So as one survive Another day and season Silence leech and save your poison Silence leech and stay out of my way

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Time: 09:22 am

Eye on the TV 'cause tragedy thrills me Whatever flavor It happens to be Like: "Killed by the husband" "Drowned by the ocean" "Shot by his own son" "She used the poison in his tea and kissed him goodbye" That's my kind of story It's no fun til someone dies Don't look me at like I am a monster Frown out your one face But with the other Stare like a junkie Into the TV Stare like a zombie While the mother, holds her child Watches him die Hands to the sky cryin, "Why, oh why?" Cause I need to watch things die From a distance Vicariously, I Live while the whole world dies You all need it too - don't lie. Why can't we just admit it? Why can't we just admit it? We won't give pause until the blood is flowin' Neither the brave nor bold Will write us the story so We won't give pause until the blood is flowin' I need to watch things die From a good safe distance Vicariously, I Live while the whole world dies You all feel the same so Why can't we just admit it? Blood like rain comedown Drop on grave and ground Part vampire Part warrior Carnivore and voyeur Still have the transmittal, sing to the death rattle La, la, la, la, la, la, la-lie (x4) Incredulous at best Your desire to believe in Angels in the hearts of men. But pull your head on out Your head please and give a listen Shouldn't have to say it all again The universe is hostile So impersonal Devour to survive So it is, so it's always been We all feed on tragedy It's like blood to a vampire Vicariously, I Live while the whole world dies Much better you than I.

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March 12th, 2006

Current Music: Tarmvred - [Viva] 6 Subject: icewine = twitchy eyelids... guh. Time: 02:43 am Current Mood: giddy

so... i'm sitting here and typing stuff up in my livejournal. how internet-savvy of me! i don't know what spurred this entry, so we'll see what happens here. i've always wanted to use strikeout. it seems so EMO.. naturally, not being emo, i've had no need to use it. so i thought i'd be deliberate. you may now ignore this entire rant. i want keigan-san to take more tests so that i can, in turn, take them. by the way, there's still no beach. :( -rai

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March 4th, 2006

Tags: \m/ Current Music: The Velvet Teen - Radiapathy Subject: yes, guy. Time: 09:59 pm Current Mood: bouncy

so after much quiet contemplation... along with a bowl of frozen yogurt to help heal the holes in the soul (yes, it does it. you better believe it)... i came to a conclusion. the conclusion being this: i wasn't really in a position to dissect (not that i can help myself, it's part of my nature). however, while i understand that i may have overstepped my boundaries.. what rights did i really have doing such a thing... i will not relinquish my beliefs that i had touched a nerve of some sort of importance. perhaps one day some growth will happen, the coccoon will form and the metamorphosis will complete itself. i guess i'll just watch until that happens and try to separate myself! come its time to wake up, know the way, you know the way..

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Subject: -laaaaaaaafffffff- Time: 11:54 am

You Are Sex On the Beach! When comes to drinking, you like it to go down smooth. You really don't like the taste of alcohol - just its effect on you. So, you're proud to get drunk on fruity, girly drinks. Because once you're liquored up, the fun begins! What alcoholic drink are you? OKAY NOW ALL I NEED IS A BEACH!!!

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Current Music: pure, unadulterated silence. Subject: sleep.. the great eraser. Time: 11:40 am Current Mood: tired

so i slept off my wickedness last night... do i feel sorry for the things that i said? i'm a brutally honest person and that tends to hurt people... so herein lies the balance of candy coat your shit on one hand to make it more palatable when it needs to be swallowed versus just taking it. grip the headboard, bite the pillow and fucking.. take.. it. maybe i'm unfair because i don't take emotional reactions into account. or maybe i do take them into account but i like explosions of emotion just as much as i like a contented calm seas of them. i mean, i'm sure the truth hurts, but it's not like this is something exceptional. everyone has these things or does these things... absolutely everyone, but it's a matter of degree of influence. it's not meant to be an "insult" when someone points them out.. it's just an observation. feel free to comment about my lack of and i'll gladly debate/argue/discuss it with you. something tells me that some people don't want to be understood, because that's all i'm trying to do. i just want to understand. -rai

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Current Music: Reggie and the Full Effect - Playing Dead Subject: .... Time: 02:11 am Current Mood: sad

My head is pounding, it kills me more each day I’ve been here before with you There’s nothing left, nothing left to say I’ll never have to say the words that we don’t want to hear I’ll never have to say the words, you never have to fear Here’s where your story ends Here’s where my life begins No one knows you better than you know yourself Everyone around you says you just need help I’m still the worser, I’m better isn’t yet What I’ve forgotten you will soon forget to say I’ll never have to say the words that we both fear I’ll never have to say the words you never have to hear I’m giving up on you, not calling in Stop wont really work for me anymore I hope it was worth it, I’ll never do this again No one knows just what you mean to me I hope you pick yourself up again Here’s where your story ends Here’s where my life begins No one knows you better than you know yourself Everyone around you says you just need help Everyone will judge us by the words we say Everything’s easy if we just play dead

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March 3rd, 2006

Tags: .. sweet mother of god. Current Music: Covenant - Stalker (All Shapes RMX) Subject: here i am. Time: 11:58 pm Current Mood: drunk

i'm sitting here wondering what the fuck is going on. ever feel like you're being pulled in two different directions? ever feel like somehow.. someway.. how you feel or what you want has been quietly put to sleep while everyone else has their way? injected with a 15% formaldehyde solution, decapitated, brains removed and sliced for cresyl violet staining. that's what's happening. what i want.. what i feel.. it's all being dissected. i bet the colour violet is pretty once absorbed into grey matter. -rai

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March 1st, 2006

Subject: so. tired. Time: 06:54 pm Current Mood: sleepy

there's no getting going on. what is the deal here. i always get shunted, no one gets it... when will they ever get it. help plzthx. ok, night. rai

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Tags: keigan :) Subject: tricky tricky halloween. Time: 12:03 am Current Mood: curious

The Quick and Painless ENNEAGRAM Test http://www.okcupid.com/tests/take?testid=12721960859055255705 the Helper you chose CX - your Enneagram type is TWO. "I must help others" Helpers are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people's needs. How to Get Along with Me * Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific. * Share fun times with me. * Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours. * Let me know that I am important and special to you. * Be gentle if you decide to criticize me. In Intimate Relationships * Reassure me that I am intersting to you. * Reassure me often that you love me. * Tell me I'm attractive and that you're glad to be seen with me. What I Like About Being a Two * being able to relate easily to people and to make friends * knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better * being generous, caring, and warm * being sensitive to and perceptive about others' feelings * being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor What's Hard About Being a Two * not being able to say no * having low self-esteem * feeling drained from overdoing for others * not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish * criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should * being upset that others don't tune in to me as much as I tume in to them * working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings Twos as Children Often * are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism * try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding * are outwardly compliant * are popular or try to be popular with other children * act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention * are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Twos), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Twos) Twos as Parents * are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren't) * are often playful with their children * wonder: "Am I doing it right?" "Am I giving enough?" "Have I caused irreparable damage?" * can become fiercely protective

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February 28th, 2006

Tags: do you know what i'm talking about? Current Music: Mago - your mind blew across the gr.. Subject: ...cutting out the bruise. Time: 11:42 pm Current Mood: numb

"i know exactly how he feels.. what he feels.. i can't explain..." it doesn't take much to burrow. it doesn't take a lot to start to itch and writhe. but it's not like i can even stop these things. i guess what happens will happen, no matter what.. where.. how. when. when did this all run away from me? it's like.. mom bought you a new marble... pretty shiny that little swirl in the middle.. how DO they get that in there?.. and you drop it.. on a slight incline.. and you watch it start to roll, it's gone before you've even made enough of a motor movement to propel yourself. goddamnit... i'm losing my marbles. -rai

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February 22nd, 2006

Subject: THIS UPDATE IS FOR THE RAT Time: 12:53 am

Hello. Here I am updating my livejournal, all because of someone's comment made in some chatroom SOMEWHERE on the internet. I hope you now feel special! :> rai.

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August 28th, 2005

Subject: Men are fucking piggish, insensitive fuckfaces. Time: 12:42 pm

I think I'm wearing my heart on my sleeve with that topic title... but that's the way it is. Why the fuck... why the FUCK.. would you tell other girls that you want to fuck them and that they have big tits if you are in a FUCKING RELATIONSHIP? Talk about fucking cowardly. I'm so fucking pissed off.

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July 22nd, 2005

Current Music: nil. Subject: ... Time: 07:45 pm Current Mood: infuriated

What do you do when you're trapped in a corner and can't think of a way out at all? What happens when the only recourse you have is to stop processing? And what happens when you can't figure out where it's coming from, when you think you're justified, but are you? I wish I had a judge... that would make everything so much easier. -rai

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July 13th, 2005

Current Music: None, sadly. Subject: ... not again. Time: 10:22 am Current Mood: cynical

This seems to happen to me at random and it only really sinks in after all the damage has been done, leaving me lookng around with a O_o on my face. The last time this happened... well, I'm still complaining about the last time this happened. I was lamost 19 and everything went ahead and CHANGED on me. People disappeared, new ones showed up, old hang out places shut down, new ones (and not very good ones) opened, highschool was over, university started and things just generally got really boring. Sigh. HERE IT COMES AGAIN! One friend just got married, another one is engaged, another one is engaged, another one had a BABY O_O, another one moved out, another one is planning to move away, I'm in California, I'm almost finished school, I have to think about gradschool, I have to think about a career. Oh.. my.. sweet.. lord.. whatthehellishappening?! ... sigh. Again. Life keeps going, but it's either a pace that I can catch up to where nothing's happening.. or it shots on ahead of me and by the time I catch up to it, it's too late to salvage anything. I don't like this pattern. It's disappointing. -rai

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May 23rd, 2005

Subject: Sweet jesus Time: 02:15 pm

It's hot and I have allergies. This sucks. But.. I am 40 minutes away from the Pacific ocean. How evil life is.. how evil indeed -_- -rai

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August 29th, 2004

Current Music: LFO - Kombat Drinking Subject: Morning shifts suck.. Time: 06:14 pm Current Mood: giggly

I went into work this morning at 730 am. Stupid o'clock.. and there were people doing their groceries. Why on EARTH would anyone get up that early? That's insane. 2 cases of human inanity pop out at me from today.. only because, in each case, I hand to hold my hands still. I wanted to strangle these people... Scenario one: C - "Could you print these lottery tickets for me?" Me - "Sure, I can, no problem. That's $24 dollars please." c - "Oh, I only have $20 on me, can you cancel the second one?" Me - "Yeah, that's fine. $18 dollars then." Cash transaction is made. An hour later, a phonecall comes through and I answer. It's the same customer.. C - "Umm, I was just looking through my tickets and I can't find the second one I gave you." You fucking MORON... do you not remember you ASKING me YOURSELF to cancel the ticket because you didn't have enough money on you?! Me - "Yes, sir, that's correct. You asked me to cancel it because you only had $20 with you and the total was $24." C - "Oh. Yeah. Thanks." >_< FUCKING FUCKER SON OF A FUCK. Scenario number two: C - "What colour is your hair supposed to be?" Anyone in their right mind can see that it's goddamned well RED. Me - "Red, sir." C - "How long ago did they do that?" Me - "You mean, how long ago did I do my own hair?" -smug smile- "About 3 days ago." C - "Yeah, it's starting to look a little dull." Now... normally I could tolerate this sort of criticism. And no, my hair is not dull. But the fact that it came from a fat, ugly slob of a man in his late 40's made it that much more innappropriate.. and outright retarded, to be frank. O_O@!! Good note: I bought a new shirt... hahaha

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August 27th, 2004

Current Music: OVe-NaXx - 1533690 Subject: ... work. Time: 12:18 am Current Mood: dorky

I know I haven't posted about work in a couple days.. and trust me, it's not for the lack of stupid people coming into my fien grocer's establishment. I've been a little busy.. life came knocking. I worked tonight. I got to sit in the Hole and do nothing for 5 hours. I did, however, read (rather in depth too) about the snipering of a guman in downtown Toronto. That was pretty cool. But.. my beef, this time, comes from the stations above me. My so called "customer experience manager". She seems to have a little problem with scheduling and getting notes. What on earth would possess you to schedule me at 4 pm when I asked, pleaded, BEGGED for a morning shift? WHY? Why do they do this to us?! -cries- In the end, the sheriff gets his man. Fantino's was dead and mine was signing off that horrible shift to someone else. I.. feel powerful. -flexes muscles-

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August 20th, 2004

Current Music: Sway (Remix) - Dean Martin & Julie London Subject: OMFGKILLKILLKILL Time: 07:31 pm Current Mood: exhausted

You'll begin to notice just how much I work at Hell, Inc. by the sheer number of posts that will be made here. And, in light of that, the next installation. So, an afternoon shift on a Friday. The store is PACKED. I'm a regular, plain ol' cashier (Oh, sorry, "customer service respresentative") and I'm watching all these wonderful people as they have the entire afternoon off on a Friday. Lucky fuckers. Okay, I'm there doing my thing, customer comes through: C - "How's your day today?" Me - -smug smile- "I'm at work." C - "I noticed that part, I asked you how your day was going." Me - "I'm at work, therefore not happy." -forced smile- C - "I could make your day a lot better." Lesson #1: Never, under any circumstances, proposition/flirt with your local retail clerk. It makes us irate, it makes us uncomfortable, and it makes us want to stuff the pin pad to the debit machine STRAIGHT DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROATS. (Edit: I will make use of excessive swearing). It does not make you look "cool", "suave", or "chic". It makes you look like an idiot. I think I can leave that at that. Makes sense, right? After a time to calm down and get back to my groove, I get another customer in my lineup. It's around 3-4 pm and the express lines are backing up. This man, with an empty cart, is standing there. Once he gets to the cash, he asks me whether or not an item is on sale. Right away, I can feel my insides broiling. Flyers at the door, stock boys walking around with their heads in the clouds, SIGNS ON THE FUCKING SHELF, but no.. wait in line... brilliant: Me - "Yes, those are on sale for that price" C - "Well, you can let this lady go ahead of me. I'll be back in a second." Me - (Internally: "You stupid shit, there's NOTHING IN YOUR CART.") "Alright.." So, not only does he hold up a place in line for sheer stupidity, he brings back 2 of the items in question.. and they are BOTH leaking. -sigh- Patience... ebbing... slowly. Okay, okay, okay.. so I get over this little incident. That's fine and good. The last one of the day, though, this one was the icing on my cake of retail-despair. Express line, one man with the maximum items allowed, bag your own groceries, etc, etc. Halfway through: C - "I've forgotten my card in my car, could you hold on a second?" .... O_O! BRING YOUR METHOD OF PAYMENT WITH YOU WHEN YOU INTEND TO PURCHASE SOMETHING. PLEASE, GOD. It's SO BASIC. RARRRGHRGHRGHHH.

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August 12th, 2004

Current Music: Bikini Kill - Rebel Girl Subject: What I won't do for the rest of my life... Time: 08:19 pm Current Mood: irritated

So... I work in a grocery store. The store has two parts: one houses all the little goodies that the general population comes in to purchase for the sole purpose of devouring and returning, time and again. The second part, the one I work in now and then, is the House of Vice. Cigarettes, lottery, newspapers and sweets (we put those there for impulse buyers and there are QUITE a few of them out there). I stand in there for 5 hours at night, selling these "terrible" things to people. I get bored, I watch the clock for the time of 9. 8:30, time to start packing up after having a FULL HOUR to myself, not a customer in sight, nothing sold, no interruption. I don't know whether Murphy has anything to do with this, but at 8:50, just as I'm supposed to be counting inventory and balancing my tray, the entire human contents of the larger store come POURING in like a deluge.. customer after customer. I am getting angry. I am looking at the clock... 8:55. I am about to lock the doors and still they come... -hangs head- WHY? WHY MUST YOU PEOPLE DO THIS?! I want to leave on time! I don't want to sell you cigarettes for an overinflated price just because you don't want to go next door to the tobacco shop (which would save you a dollar, at least, I guarantee you). I'm closing at 9 PM. And you want in at 8:59! -sigh- This job makes me hate people with a rather severe intensity. -rai

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